It's kind of crazy no one on my socials is aware of all the shits that happened in my family recently lol
Not even a few days ago, I fully broke down about my mom not being able to accept my queerness, and she was verbatim sending me exorcism videos, on top of that, breaking down about the fact that she didn't care for me after my surgery, and I realize that she doesn't care my older sister raped me and actually just supports her anyway, she just doesn't want her to go to jail.
I don't think my mom deserves to go to jail. It's not her fault.
I got lost going around different neighborhoods on my bike a few days ago, and there were so many cars, maybe because it was Friday I guess, but I just wished one of them would hit me while I was crying, and that someone would kidnap me, so then maybe my mom would care about me like she does my twin and older sister.
Meanwhile, my rapist older sister contacted my twin and thinks my boyfriend is the reason I cut contact with her... sort of just disregarding that she was an abusive, emotionally incestuous piece of shit alcoholic that I had a genuine best friendship with when she moved back into my house as an adult here.
Literally functioned some trauma-bond stockholm shit that she would probably not even have perceived that way, just that she was the victim of her sibling "faking a connection with her." She texted my twin so much about my relationship, and the irony is, she doesn't even know my twin has had a girlfriend for 4 months now. Piece of shit.
I'm still struggling with the fact that I have to stay alive.
I don't want to die, I'm just scared of myself when I'm too impulsive. I feel I'm too scared to kill myself when I'm logical and sane, but when I'm not those things, I don't even know who I am or what I want, which is unlike me. I just want it to burn, and I want it to hurt in the moment that it feels like too much.
My earliest memories of these feelings were when I just felt too much; I'd lean back and slam my head into doors and walls when no one was around, and just pretend like I dropped something heavy if someone was nearby.
I just needed it to be quiet.
Maybe it's stupid, but I'm afraid of gaining weight if I start on a medication. My mom consistently talks about bodies and being skinny all the time. I've been skinny all my life, and I'd never judge other people for being fat or gaining weight; it would crush me on my body, though.
Maybe that's so vain of me. I'd rather be skinny than more stable.
I would tell someone about it if it didn't make me feel like an evil piece of shit to admit. I guess it's not evil, just sort of embarrassing being that transparent about that.
I don't have issues with apologizing or owning up to when I've wronged someone, but when I have personal issues that are just inherently negative, like during deep depressive times or impulsive suicidal blips, I just feel disgusted with myself, like it's not normal for me... and why do I feel that way? People I love don't know me for being like that. Why am I being like that?
It's those scary realizations that I'm human and that I feel like everyone else. That I'm not immune to my mother and father's mental illnesses.
How I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol still surprises me, but honestly, you couldn't get me to want to try it. With my genes, I'd probably fuck up my whole future with some weed, shrooms, and alcohol.
I don't know how I do any of this sober. The whole "I like my suffering raw" corny shit just doesn't feel that way. I don't want to feel it. At all. I tried self-harming enough to avoid that before I had to stop and realize I needed to feel it; it's that I don't know it any other way.
I just feel like it's either physical examples or stories of my immediate blood family that remind me I would go insane if I did abuse substances. That is my worst fear. Not dying.
I get tired of myself, but it's been a little better. Slightly.
Gonna go to bed.