hm

 on t and got my license, now i just need a job

also to graduate....

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Bittersweet

took my first shot of testosterone over the phone with my boyfriend and cried, somewhat out of sadness

wanted to be able to share that moment with my parents, but that's not my reality today 

That's okay

talking about me to me

Sometimes you're not misunderstood 

You just have ptsd and ocd and happen to be a brown boy in America. That's not rare.

This is not the most misunderstood reality

Don't let it stop you from wanting more & don't let it stop you from being dedicated to trying 

You aren't alone; you, too, are trying to understand existence as a human and figure out how you want to exist alongside every other living thing


At times, you think you need to intellectualize your feelings in order be understood, but listen to that other half of you that pursues a future, regardless of whether or not your feelings can be understood in that moment 

Have gentle times where you can take care of those thoughts in a safe space. There will be people who make you feel like they're placing kisses over those wounds, but not in every moment that you do become wounded, will you need those kisses. The absence of them can formulate growth in your life as well.

While it's a privilege to be able to have time for those kisses, let it be a privilege, don't selfishly overindulge yourself in wanting other people to fully see the depth of you, for every human is not fully capable of seeing the full depth of themselves, regardless of how well they know themselves

Our limbs we can lose, the skills we learn can slip from our memories when not consistently tested, our minds, a product of time and progress, and also something that could be damaged under physical or chemical violence to the brain... or just a sickness that simply restricts you from accessing all of it

It can be best to move in the face of not being fully heard 

This doesn't mean be complicit, this doesn't mean be a victim. Don't be a victim of circumstance and oppression

You can move those feelings and fit them into being there for your community, there for yourself, let those feelings of needing more, needing relatability, needing humbling, needing to be stimulated... feed your appetite with life 

Don't let your stimulating experiences be fast-paced, for the things that you need to survive can not, every time, be gained by rushing. Indifferently, try not to let yourself be a slave to losing time; being stuck in place will rot the familiarity you can gain with yourself and others.


Life is a continuous effort; don't sleep away effort, let it make you beautifully sore so that you may reap the benefits of being uniquely muscular in experience, and see how people handle the different muscle groups of their lives.

I want a pet crow

 

A singular boat in a vast ocean

You're the boy who understands you

It's your job to understand yourself and everyone else at separate times

There's an aching inside of me to have art that I can relate to

It probably already exists

I have to make it exist 

I have to exist

There are probably some people in their boats who wonder and feel the same

I have to keep living and searching

I love and hate social media

 Don't dissolve into nothing 

Go do your bloodwork

Get on testosterone

Finish highschool

Figure out getting into a college

Don't dissolve into nothing