trying

 the body is a blade - j.p

Generation Why - Weyes Blood

 I don't want to be in texas anymore or be a son, boyfriend, or brother.

I don't have the courage to kill myself

I'm gonna do something creative

I just want me to be me. I don't want to be my sex life, my romance, my kindness, my anger, my sadness.

I don't want to be defined by religions, my government, or bigots

My body aching when I come back from work reminds me I'm alive and that I still want something

When will I want something this much, I want to want to have sex again. I want to create again. I want to hug again. I want to talk more again. 

I will do it. When. I will decide. I'm tired. So is everyone. 

Trying to fix it

Figuring becoming an adult is fixing yourself up repeatedly to live around other people in order to live with yourself

Okay

 What think pieces do I even write about anymore? 

I will come back inspired later

Trying

 Give Greyson a second chance

I find myself too tired from work as of recently to put heart into my art but maybe thats just for today.

Not on speaking terms with my twin and all my mom and dad do is disrespect me and then pretend things are okay

Went to blacknbrown fest and met cool people, healed me honestly. I understand why they considered their fest suicide prevention

Cool things tho, I got an old iphone five and got a cool case for it, along with piercing changes.

Grotesquerie_ is my instagram for anyone who finds this and Grotesquecrow is my side account, thats my archivw

Bambi

 My mom brought her weird cultist friend over and disappeared off to LA again. I hate everything shes become because she's just an empty shell of a respectable person.

Now she's just a religious obsessed person who is failing to sell books & merch that's not famous enough to promote and successfully sell. 

Keep going

 I got that interview and I've been working at Taco Bell. I'm working at Sallys next in my future. I'm gonna graduate, go to fucking college, and get away from all this bullshit.

break up

 My abuser ( my older sister ) Mary told me I'd realize my ex-boyfriend was the reason we weren't talking, that he had to be behind it all.

Now that we're broken up, I know more that you can love people in your life so much but you don't have let your patience be taken as obedience. You don't have to accept lack of consideration, aggression, subconscious & conscious disrespect, someones disorder being reason for them to disrespect you, nor do you have accept the bare minimum just because you understand that person's circumstances. 

You can be there for yourself and know when to go.

I realize that after, there's more effort from him to do the things he was too tired to do whenever we were together during this breakup, like just reading with me but that doesn't fix everything that happened. It doesn't fix the memories of everything else either.

cptsd

Had a horrible emotional flashbacks last night after being okay for a little while and pausing taking my meds, all while Greyson was on the phone

I felt embarrassed and then exhausted. In the morning when I woke up, I just more exhausted and then embarrassed. My body feels sore from tensing up and I can still feel present nerves from how bad I was shaking.

Gonna watch "sorry, baby" because its about this girl who gets raped and deals with post traumatic stress. Maybe it won't make me feel so alone. I do have disorder its not just "post traumatic" and it makes me feel nauseous and like a creature.

I had a disgusting dream at that after I was finally able to fall asleep. I'm so tired. Just please everything needs to stop. I need someone to understand and help me out.

At 3, I have to go exchange my broken laptop for a new one, get greyson's gifts, and iron my clothes for my interview this Saturday and Monday.

This isn't the worst reality, I just feel present heart burn and like a little kid again, I feel like I'm parenting myself to get through this again. Fuck bro.

🐾

I like being 18 because now I can post myself naked if I'm being perfectly honest

 I woke up hearing "nevernevernevernever"

I got my septum pierced