mirror hours

 It's kind of crazy no one on my socials is aware of all the shits that happened in my family recently lol 

Not even a few days ago, I fully broke down about my mom not being able to accept my queerness, and she was verbatim sending me exorcism videos, on top of that, breaking down about the fact that she didn't care for me after my surgery, and I realize that she doesn't care my older sister raped me and actually just supports her anyway, she just doesn't want her to go to jail. 

I don't think my mom deserves to go to jail. It's not her fault.


I got lost going around different neighborhoods on my bike a few days ago, and there were so many cars, maybe because it was Friday I guess, but I just wished one of them would hit me while I was crying, and that someone would kidnap me, so then maybe my mom would care about me like she does my twin and older sister.

Meanwhile, my rapist older sister contacted my twin and thinks my boyfriend is the reason I cut contact with her... sort of just disregarding that she was an abusive, emotionally incestuous piece of shit alcoholic that I had a genuine best friendship with when she moved back into my house as an adult here. 

Literally functioned some trauma-bond stockholm shit that she would probably not even have perceived that way, just that she was the victim of her sibling "faking a connection with her." She texted my twin so much about my relationship, and the irony is, she doesn't even know my twin has had a girlfriend for 4 months now. Piece of shit.

I'm still struggling with the fact that I have to stay alive. 

I don't want to die, I'm just scared of myself when I'm too impulsive. I feel I'm too scared to kill myself when I'm logical and sane, but when I'm not those things, I don't even know who I am or what I want, which is unlike me. I just want it to burn, and I want it to hurt in the moment that it feels like too much.

My earliest memories of these feelings were when I just felt too much; I'd lean back and slam my head into doors and walls when no one was around, and just pretend like I dropped something heavy if someone was nearby.

I just needed it to be quiet.


Maybe it's stupid, but I'm afraid of gaining weight if I start on a medication. My mom consistently talks about bodies and being skinny all the time. I've been skinny all my life, and I'd never judge other people for being fat or gaining weight; it would crush me on my body, though.



Maybe that's so vain of me. I'd rather be skinny than more stable. 

I would tell someone about it if it didn't make me feel like an evil piece of shit to admit. I guess it's not evil, just sort of embarrassing being that transparent about that. 

I don't have issues with apologizing or owning up to when I've wronged someone, but when I have personal issues that are just inherently negative, like during deep depressive times or impulsive suicidal blips, I just feel disgusted with myself, like it's not normal for me... and why do I feel that way? People I love don't know me for being like that. Why am I being like that? 

It's those scary realizations that I'm human and that I feel like everyone else. That I'm not immune to my mother and father's mental illnesses.

How I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol still surprises me, but honestly, you couldn't get me to want to try it. With my genes, I'd probably fuck up my whole future with some weed, shrooms, and alcohol. 

I don't know how I do any of this sober. The whole "I like my suffering raw" corny shit just doesn't feel that way. I don't want to feel it. At all. I tried self-harming enough to avoid that before I had to stop and realize I needed to feel it; it's that I don't know it any other way.

I just feel like it's either physical examples or stories of my immediate blood family that remind me I would go insane if I did abuse substances. That is my worst fear. Not dying.

I get tired of myself, but it's been a little better. Slightly. 



Gonna go to bed.

update again

I think this was before I helped my neighbor bury one of the neighborhood kittens, "Sunday / Smokey"

whatstherush.ink

 

my stickers by whatstherush.ink came in 🐦‍⬛

she gave me an extra piece free :) 

texas championship powwow

 went to this beautiful powwow with my twin, it was amazing, we got so much stuff at the flea market

found stuff from our mom's family tribe, maya chorti

felt like we were little kids again going around on the fun rides and getting stuff together

updated my profile picture

 

not sure how to feel

after getting my appendix out

 this sucks

ahhhhhh

 guys its okay i was overthinking

my boyfriend got me flowers and stuffed animals after my appendix surgery

also, feeling like shit

this healing process sucks

a plan

 I would disappear tomorrow, but some peace just got to the house 




I'm just going to let the peace become normal so that it's not noticeable when I leave

future

I'm gonna be a barista 

I'm gonna do that till I graduate 

And then I'll go to Lone Star College

I'm gonna become a radiology technician.

october

Also wanted to open up on here because I don't really know how to feel, and this is my digital diary in some way 


My boyfriend and I had our 7-month anniversary on the 29th, and we usually make each other gifts and letters

This month, specifically, he gave me a letter that I appreciated, but it just didn't really feel like the others. I don't know how to describe it, and he gave me blackout curtains even though winter started, and I probably would've needed them in the summer

I didn't complain or make him feel bad, I'm always grateful for him and felt I had to be in that moment. 

I'm not gonna lie, this month I did spend a lot of money on him, I bought our concert tickets, his costume, hironos, gloomy bear, his piercing jewelry, and his hair dyes. Which I would never let him know the amount just because I don't buy things just to rub in people's faces, I love him, he deserves those things, I'm still conscious of it and what my decisions have been.

The letter I tried to personalize with little emo icons he likes, like gloomy and tokidoki, while still making the writing detailed, and flowers I got to match his hair this month (orange and pink)


He had made a comment about his gift like the curtains and the letter I guess not being 'as good' and said "I was really depressed this month." 

Which to catch you guys up, this month, my twin had basically been not wanted our dad to live with us and had lied to the police about being raped, so basically, cps would distance him from us. He's sort of homophobic and makes us uncomfortable sometimes.

( Which, first of all, I fully believed her as a victim first before anything. She personally came and explained to me that she had lied about it, which, I'm not gonna lie, did trigger me because that's a really serious thing to lie about. She went in full explanation of why she felt the need to and that she feels like she needs help. Aside from this case, mentally ill victims are valid and will continue to be, it just wasn't that situation in this case. Always side with victims. --This sitaution was a lot more complex than others. So to clarify, a rape or continued sexual assault did not happen for anyone concerned, I guess not that anyone will read this. I don't even know. )

But basically, the stress of my mom and twin being at the hospital for an elongated time, the case being the reason I had to sneak out to the concert, and my mom involving me with the situation as collateral, I had been crying for 3 nights straight before I went to bed, and even afterward. 

Obviously, this weighed heavily on my boyfriend, and he started to not do well either. There wasn't really anything going on at his house, family-problem-wise wise but he was experiencing a depressive episode, and it only got worse after my family's sitaution started to affect me, and as he lost motivation for things like school and showering. He got his medication upped for his bipolar and has been doing a little bit better. I'll be there for every version of him.

I'm not gonna lie, I didn't know how to feel about his comment about being depressed this month, and that was the reason his letter even just wasn't like the others; I just tried to be understanding in the moment because I know this month was harder for someone other than myself.

It did just hurt because I felt bedridden for the majority of days because of everything in my house, and just wanted to be asleep and wasn't really eating, but my mother wouldn't see that as depression. I wish I had an existing medication to upped for when it got that bad. Thinking about that makes me wanna cry because I don't think my boyfriend views it as serious either. Maybe I just overthink that last part, though.

Especially with the physical chaos going on in my house with praying, fighting, cps, sneaking out, hospital sitaution, emergency calling, police investigation, and not seeing my dad.

I guess the comment hurt in a way because even though all that was happening inside my house and I was trying to fight my own depression with him, I still tried to muster up a really good gift in my opinion with what I was able to get him, make, and write.

It, for some reason, made me feel unloved. I just tried to understand and not blame him in my head. I feel like he also wanted me to just not be upset or sad I guess because he did go through a hard time but I can't erase this weird feeling in my chest because October was literally one of the most stressful months in my house and in my head. 

I didn't have a response other than I love you and thank you for the gifts. I couldn't just say back "well, that's not really an excuse, there's literally so much shit that went on in my house and I still managed to pull together something themed and in-depth for you." because then I'd just be an asshole, I felt like one in my head for being sad about it secretly.

I remember he told me he finished the letter during one of our earlier calls, and then told me he got me black out curtains barely a few days before our anniversary.

I bought him hair dye again around that time because I wanted him to save money. He said he was going to spend on my gift and then told me what it was. 

I thought it was going to be something I liked or I don't know, not black out curtains during winter.

I still haven't shown him any negative response. I could tell he already felt bad

I just sort of feel sick internally



I also keep getting this weird feeling he's falling out of love with me. I'm trying to remind myself there's a difference from what is happening, what he is actually feeling, vs what I'm overthinking about.


It's weird because I'm starting to not feel man enough for him. I don't know what it is. 


There are a lot of times that I just want to cry

The police wanted to open a case about me and my twin's actual shared assaulter, our older sister, because she did a lot for us when we were kids, and then separately when she moved back into the house me and my twin and I were 15 up until this year. 

She moved out around March or the end of April. I had a really hard time letting go of my life because I had basically developed some type of Stockholm syndrome dynamic to her during all of that abuse. So, the police wanting to open up a case that doesn't even have enough evidence to be tried for as a solid case that did happen to me made me spiral.

Also being that she's one of the reasons I shower in the dark.

I also still have dreams where she's doing all the things she did to me as a kid.

I tried opening up to Greyson about that, but I think he's just tired of hearing about my older sister. 

I don't know how to explain correctly the depth that I'm stuck with regarding the conversations and images of her whole life up to now, the words she's said to me, and the things she's done to me.

I don't think he fully understands, and that's okay; that's just also something that almost happened this month after my dad's case was closed. My twin told the police she didn't want to open a case about my older sister, because my mom might go to jail, and we both know our mom is good. It's not completely her fault that my older sister chose to reenact her trauma through abuse.

You can live a traumatized life and still choose to be a good person, even if it's hard; my older sister isn't one of those people.

That's just another added-on reason why his comment bothered me. 

There's so much I've had to put up with from all of my family from every aspect, including trying to be a person, but I just had to leave room for the fact that his depression had overcome his ability to give me a good anniversary gift

And sometimes that is just realistic. It still hurts, but 


I don't know


I still want to disappear


I wanted to feel appreciated after this whole month, which is why I tried the way I did for his gift. Aside from genuinely loving him, I just wanted him to have a physical reminder that there's still love and light at the end of his dark tunnels of time by himself.


Seeing my childhood friend reminded me that I didn't really have any friends of my own outside of my twin's friends or his. 

It was nice seeing her again, I almost cried infront of him looking at a photo of my twin, my childhood friend, and me posing, but I didn't. I just felt like I couldn't do that infront of him so I probably just looked emotionally touched at the most. Maybe he didn't notice how I looked in that moment, I had no idea whether he was staring at me or something by me.


I still want to disappear


Whether I dare to is up to me, I guess

But because of how many times my mom has worried about losing my other siblings to disability, suicide, drugs, or mental illness, I can't give her another thing to worry about. I can't be the person she buries early. 

I can't be that.

She apologized for not having enough time for me because of how much she has to care for my twin and my older sister 


That apology just made me want to die and descend back in time to my younger self. Maybe just trip and pretend to cry so that she'd authentically hug me or tell me I'm beautiful before church


I can't trust my feelings after 10 pm, a mental mantra I have in my head.

goodnight

happy halloween... on november 2nd

 went to a halloween party with my boyfriend and met a bunch of new ppl

reconnected with my childhood friend

everything was honestly amazing, the best party I've been to