all the things you need and want require some type of vulnerability

embarrassing

 My dad noticed my hickey

gonna kms

ftm shit

 Having an appointment for testosterone on February 2nd 

holy fucking shit

Strange Frame: Love & Sax (2012) by G.B. Hajim

 

Tsutomu Nihei's Blame

 I want to read the noise prequel manga too 

a thought, more a wish

 Hope when I die, someone finds my blogs and reads them. 

For those who don't know how Blogger works, you press "older post" down at the bottom to flip through the multiple posts in one month 

Please and thank you

Christmas

 

Unboxed my circuit printer and pottery wheel. 

Mom and Dad got a bunch of clothes for themselves, which was cool

Been reading "It lasts forever and then Its over" and "fran-kiss-stein", especially Frankenstein today 

Then I read some of my blame manga

Studied for drivers test this January 20th

Also just played the metamorphosis play test of this really cool artist I love on Instagram

Been a cool day

My boyfriend, I, and my twin all got each other a bunch of cool shit for Christmas too 

Had a beautiful Christmas Eve over at my boyfriend's, so that was really nice

It's been loving & amazing

I still feel my never-ending pit of doom, but I'm trying to let things be good. 

Therapy and meds update

December has felt so long 

Finally met my therapist, she's cool. She's also hispanic which helps in some way.

I got terrified when my meds made me drowsy one day, and they made my dreams scary when I started them again.

Was sort of skipping them out of paranoia and didn't tell anyone. 

I'm taking them again now. 

Luckily, have not gained weight on them, but I feel like I am. I don't know. 

In a better place, I just still fucking hate my brain. 

I've also been feeling uglier, but I'm not ugly, so I won't say that I am. I just feel that way. I can't wait to start testosterone, to work, and drive. 

I will exist outside of this house one day. 

I wonder if my mother will ever move to LA and forget me, or just go crazy within religion and become the most distant and judgmental person I know. I wish I had a normal mom.

How crazy my father has changed so much that I worry I will only be able to depend on him when I'm older. He's old now, though. Now I have to worry about my dad dying early.

Anyway, I have an interview to be a dishwasher or janitor for Pluckers Wing Bar. Hiring crisis in America fucking sucks. I basically meet the criteria to work in restaurants, and no one will hire me. This will be my third set of interviews. I've done 3 interviews for the first two jobs I did interviews for. Hoping this job doesn't make me do another 3 interviews lol.

Going to test for my license soon.

Manifesting that Pluckers hires me. And I don't even manifest, but I'm really gonna try to this time.

hairless cat from german fest

 I want a hairless cat. It was soft.

My Birthday

 Turned 18 two days ago

"To all the monsters in my nursery: may you never leave me alone" - Guillermo Del Toro

Picked up my boyfriend, Grey, and my friend Nafi while my friend Hemeji pulled up. We did the birthday song stuff in an ice cream shop before we went to go see Avatar 3. We all collectively were attracted to the evil girl in the third movie, lol, I mean every single one of us. It was really funny and fun. 

There was a freaky scene with her, and we all went crazy in the theater, lmao. The ads for the movie said it comes out on the 19th, but we saw it on the 18th, so the theater was completely empty.

Here's a messy set of photos of everything

me