i feel the need to disappear

done being emo

trying to find a will to live guys through writing, sorry for harping lmao

not really because this is my journal but whatever

fork in my brain

I think it's easy for the people that I talk to about my abuser to become tired of hearing about me talk about her 

they don't fully understand I live with so many details about her life, her childhood, and memories of her that stain me

I think if they knew the things I knew, saw the things I saw, it'd plague their thoughts too, maybe make them shower in the dark and want to keep sleeping the same way I do. 

I don't feel this way all the time, I can escape it some days.

Other times I can't. Specifically the past few days. 

but it's okay for people not to fully understand you, as long as you love them and they love you, it will be okay

self soothing writing 

it gets me peace somehow

I'd ask for help but you can't always expect the people you love to scoop you up from yourself, sometimes you have to do that from yourself so you can explain how you felt when you weren't able to.

my reasons for living

 I love my boyfriend, my twin, and my friends

they remind me I don't wanna die early, kind of makes me want to cry

I have to keep living. 
Why does this idea feel so indifferent to me. 

I probably just need better sleep.

your arms are my cocoon

 10/19/25

photos and videos of the night I went to go see my boyfriend's favorite band with my boyfriend and a friend

I snuck out for the first time & ubered there, spent the night at his, and uber-ed back

I have no regrets

I went as a butterfly, and my boyfriend went as a bunny, based on their album covers

It was one of the best nights of my life

My phone battery was really down early on in the show, so I was off my phone most of the time, it was refreshing

I did feel the most in touch, ugliest, but also prettiest I've felt

I don't know. It was a large mix.

we found a bird after the show and kissed it before it flew off lol

Impulsivity

 Will my impulsivity end me

I don't know

I'm less impulsive than everyone I know in my family

Maybe not as out-spoken as I'd like to be

I feel they've all shut down from what they used to be

Partially good, partially bad

future

radiation therapist vs welder vs tattooist vs historic preservationist 

update

 Hi blog 

I underestimated how much I would have to update you

I went to the show, it was awesome, so much moshing 

There were super tall guys, tho, blocking everyone in the back & just big dudes hitting ppl  lol no show etiquette

My baby ended up liking his jacket 

Also, I got a lot of compliments at the show on my outfit, which made me feel nice :)

online years = dead brain

 trying to allow myself to be bored

social media and digital schooling is frying my brain 

the need to be constantly stimulated 

life update

 Happy October

Just got my boyfriend and me tickets to Your Arms Are My Cocoon, Abercrombie jackets for us ( got him a white one with a hood and a black one with a high collar for me ), and our Halloween costumes ( we're going as cult of the lambs )

Also got a job as a busser at Papadeaux Seafood Kitchen, the manager being a little confusing, though.